Honour Killing- A disease without an antidote

We belong to a country where people canopy themselves under the classification of caste, creed, region, culture, religion, income, occupation, ghotra, gender and what not. Where in one hand, India is proud of its rich and varied culture, on the other hand, we have seen communal violence and brawls over religion and caste. I have always believed that it’s this richness and variedness in India’s heritage that is causing people to operate on the differences in all the aforementioned classifications. Now if a girl expresses her desire to marry a boy from a different caste, she is cursed and ridiculed at, not only by her family but also from friends and relatives who wouldn’t even care at any point of time if she is dead or alive.  Let’s take the latest example of “Honour Killing”, the girl belonged to a renowned Yadav Family of Rajasthan and she fell in love with a boy from a Punjabi Origin. They got married against the girl’s family’s wishes and days later her family made her suffer for her “So-called-wrong decision”.

After a child is born and reaches the growing juncture she is instilled, the emotion and spirit of love and compassion. She is taught about the pain caused to plants by plucking leaves or flowers, the agony caused to animals by pelting stones on them, the thought of respecting elders and loving every fellow human being on earth. Love, you teach her all about love and when she grows up to understand love on her own and try to apply her parent’s wisdoms into practicality, she is termed wrong by the society. Why? Because she found love on her own in a different caste, or a different region? If that is so wrong, then she should have been taught to hate every animal, every tree, and every flower on this planet because they don’t even fall into the category of human beings.

When your child is ready for school, you hope that she reaches a stage where she is capable of taking decisions on her own and become independent, and she chooses a man whom she believes is right for her but, she is derided for that choice. Had she chosen a pair of shoes or a dress or a showpiece, she would have been complimented on her independent decision. What is the point of education, sermons and values if she is not allowed to practice the same in reality? What is the point of helping her gain independence if she is not allowed to act independently on her own life?

What does your religion and culture teach you? To train your kids like animals? So that she leads a life of your choice. So when does she get to live her own life?

As a married man or woman, do you or don’t you get attracted to the opposite gender? While some rheostat their inner urges I have heard of men and women acting onto it. They rape, they tease, they indulge and do worse.  When you don’t check the caste and creed of the opposite sex for such ghastly and sickening activities, why do you care so much about the man your daughter has chosen for a holy union, a relationship so sacred? Are you concerned that you will lose your name and reputation in your society? Since when has society become so important than your own daughter? Tomorrow, when you are on your sickbed, who is going to bring you a glass of water, ensure you take your medicines on time or cover you with a blanket when you feel sick? Who is going to give you a hug of comfort and a kiss of reassurance on your cheek? Is it the society or your daughter.  A daughter, whom you brought up with love and care, nourished and educated her till the age of 21… and then you, crushed that flower of yours by strangling her to death.  You told her once, you told her twice but she didn’t listen. Maybe she was hoping deep down her heart that come whatever may, her parents are going to understand her. She never believed in her society, but she trusted her parents. 

She somewhere believed that after sometime her parents will hug her, forget her mistake and accept her decision, the same parents who were actually conspiring murder plans to abolish her from their lives, because their society meant more to them than their own blood!

(Image Credits: Google)

Soaring…flying….bah humbug!!

For my exquisite ladies who believe that being tall is a blessing from the almighty, let me give you a reality check. Sure- traditional clothes look grand on tall girls and putting on weight looks less hideous; but apart from all this, we face serious susceptibilities emotionally, socially and medically. It’s not a cake walk guys….

Image Credits: Google

I faced my first veracity when I was in 3^rd Grade and I saw my maid’s son wearing my favourite "Tom & Jerry" T-shirt. I tried talking to my mother about it, how could she give it away like that?

“Are you cracked Nimmy, that T-shirt looks more like a blouse (worn with saree), exposing your belly buttons and I won’t have you roaming about in that attire till I am living with you”.

“Fine, why don’t you visit your parents in Kerala for some-time”.

“Ha-ha nice try”.

Me playing the bride-groom at a school play

During school days, I was made to sit on the last bench, it sucked! And during our convent school plays, I was always, always...the boy. Yea, there was one time when I played a female role- that was when I played the wicked and evil witch. Otherwise, I never qualified as a woman in any school play. I remember my pretty sister playing a princess, an empress, or a fairy; while I get to be a pastor, a gremlin, a train or a tree. So people around, convinced me that life will be so much better as a grown up.

So, I grew up to be 5’7 inches tall. Ok, I know that’s not very tall but it’s quite tall for an Asian. And life is no better even now. I went for shopping yesterday as I had to purchase a ceremonial shirt. I tried umpteen numbers of shirts but my Mum was not even a least bit satisfied. She said aloud incensed, “Isn’t there anything here that can cover your Bum?”

The shop-guy looked palpably confused and asked, “Ma’am, are you looking for a shirt or an overcoat?”

I can’t even begin to explain how embarrassed I was.

A Maxi-gown looks like a joke on me when I try it on as it barely reaches my ankle. I look like a nomad from the pre-historic era. It is very difficult to get a gown that gracefully reaches till my feet.       

Image Credits: Google

If I have to talk about travelling, the bus rides to any place is an excruciating ordeal especially when the seats are too cramped up. My knees keep getting jounced to the seat ahead and they look like Meat Dumplings when I get down. Not just my knees but my back is taken for a ride too. Ahh that’s the punishment my chicas,  for being obnoxiously tall.

Do you think that’s it? Bwaahahaha there is more…

I get judged at by wearing heels, people look at me like I am wearing somebody’s chest hair on my feet. No seriously, do you think tall girls don’t like wearing heels? We love heels too, it’s not only a mechanism to make you a few inches taller but it gives a certain form of grace and elegance to your walk. Even my Dad has agreed that I walk more lady-like with heels on.

Now I totally like clicking pictures and I am in love with all pictures which has “ME”. But, most of my pictures look funny with my face hovering over my gals like a ghostly orb;  and if it’s one of my little angels clicking my picture, they ruin the masterpiece by cutting me my head off the picture. This is one thing that totally annoys me. If you are not capable to take a complete picture with all my essential human organs then why would you even insist on clicking a picture? But hey, I love you guys.

Image Credits: Google

My mother keeps talking about the issues a tall girl faces while looking out for suitors because many a times we will have to reject proposals only on the basis of height.

Image Credits: Google

Seriously girls, if you have an average height or if you are a little short, don’t blame your parents, god or  destiny, because there is so much you can do and be that tall girls can’t even dream of.  Sure basketball needs huge and strong women but a ballerina looks beautiful when she is petite and poised.  This world offers something for everyone. Realize it, understand it and love yourself and your body more than anything else in this world.

PS: While I conclude this blog, I am trying to fit into the couch at my friend’s place which is barely 5 Feet long. While my not-so-beautiful feet point towards heaven over a pile of pillows and cushions arranged for me, I am hoping for God to kick in some love and positive energy through my toes into my psyche. Amen!

A Stance That Matters...

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I was occupied in a whirl-wind of thoughts when I was going through some old and somber albums that contain beautiful memories of the past. But what enthralled me was a picture of me held in my mother’s arms who was sitting with my late great grand mother and (paternal + maternal) grand mothers. They were celebrating my birth and I could see contentment and happiness in each of their faces. I was fascinated, yet amazed because in some part of our country a girl-child who is an ignominy is considered as a burden on family. Why; because she is not a part of the family. She will get married someday and will belong to a different family. So she is not even entitled to the family property. Why should she; it is the ancestral property which has to be passed on through the male lineage.   I somehow find it very difficult to embrace this assertion which is not cogent to me in any way; maybe because I come from a back ground where females were treated reverentially by everyone in the family.

“Have you ever felt like throwing me into a dump because I am a girl and a burden to this family?” I once asked Dad.

“Not when you were born. But Mom and I sometimes feel like throwing you out of the window when you annoy us every now and then”, said Dad lightheartedly and he smiled, hugged me and kissed my cheek and said “Both my little girls are precious and a gift from god. I will protect you till eternity”.

Image Credits: Google

I wasn’t rapt by this statement because like I mentioned before, I come from a State where the women dominated the family once upon the time; a State where Matrilineal Heritage was highly prominent and a State where women enjoyed complete freedom without a question being raised. The term “Marumakkathayyam” might be a revelation to some but it has been an affirmative reality in some parts of Kerala for a long time.“Marumakkal” (refers to sister’s children) and “Thayyam” refers to a practice of gifting someone. So the word collectively means inheritance of family property by sister’s children as opposed to one’s own children. Selective importance was always given to the daughters of the family and their children. This system was practiced in various parts of Kerala by the Royal Families, Amabalavasis, Arayars, Ezhavas and Nairs. Marumakkathayam was prominently practiced amongst the Nair clan, where people lived in Joint Families (Tharavadu) and the women took chief decisions regarding family matters and presented firm opinions regarding property, household and political matters.

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I come from a typical “Nair” Background and I have seen the way the elder women in my family uphold themselves during any discussion- they advocate an attitude of elegant confidence and poise. In my mother’s house in Kerala, my great-grand mother used to be the head of the family. She would ensure that all her ideas are executed adequately. During any family event, she would take charge and guarantee that it becomes a huge success. Honestly with brain like hers, she could put the current event managers out of job. If things would go against her expectations, she would give everyone a piece of her mind. I have seen the men in the house trembling under her reprimand. Even in my father’s house I have seen my grandmother taking charge of the whole house very efficiently after grand father’s death. She would look after the household and manage the house proficiently. I have also noticed a certain aura about my grand-mothers… no one had/has the fortitude to double-cross them because they knew how to take care of such an activity.

Marumakkathayam not only refers to a practice of property inheritance by sister’s children but it marked an era where the women in a “Joint family” had the rights to enjoy life just as the men-folk did without any fanciful prejudice. Women had the privilege to provide her identity to her children i.e. whether it’s a boy or a girl, their mother’s surname would become their surname eventually. This meant that a man or woman’s line of ancestry was determined by that of his/her mother’s.

Image Credits: Google

There used to be many important events concerning women- like celebration of a girl’s first menses which used to be an important occasion down south, especially in Kerala; and the girl is decorated like a bride with older ladies singing and dancing around her celebrating womanhood. Also on the instance of an important cultural festival, involvement of the women was must as their presence was considered to be auspicious and propitious.

Post marriage, a woman was treated with immense regard and respect by her in-laws, like she is the guest of the family. Also in case of any dissatisfaction with marriage, she had the rights to end the matrimony legally.

Today, even though at some places, we do see essences of Marumakkathayam with regards to culture, attitude and customs, “Marumakkathayam” as a practice no longer exists due to enforcement of- Kerala Joint Hindu Family System (Abolition) Act, 1975.  So this brought Nuclear families into picture which were taken care and dominated by the men folk. The women-clan had no say over any issues be it family, household or her children. She was only confined to acting under the orders of her husband.

Image Credits: Google

Even now, many say that abolition of Marumakkathayam is a boon, but I choose to differ. The major benefit the system contained was the freedom given to woman to co-exist along with the men-folk with an identity of her own and with a freedom to express her opinion gallantly.  This system is non-existent now but quintessence of this idea still prevails across different parts of Kerala where the women –folk have a say over every issue. Even now in various places, a child is still known by his/her mother’s lineage and even now the women-folk gracefully involve themselves in Social & Cultural activities.

Image Credits: Google

Kerala is a state with high rank of literacy in India, and the women-folk in Kerala are aware about the happenings around the world. Professionally they are involved in every fields of occupation- like teaching, business, transport, media & entertainment, politics and cultural activities.  Women as bus drivers, auto rickshaw drivers and taxi are making a huge impact in the transport industry. They are getting into every possible field and are creating a revolution of change in the perception of people. They are not just developing themselves, but are also helping other women make an impact and a difference. Kerala still has a long way to go and a bright future to see, but they have taken their stride and the step-ladder is still growing.  Was this attitude of advancement eventually inculcated or  is it a silhouette of a culture that was long abolished?

References:

http://indiankanoon.org/search/?formInput=marumakkathayam%20act

http://shodhganga.inflibnet.ac.in/bitstream/10603/679/12/12_chapter5.pdf